Dating in the PoMo World

One of the benefits of being an openly horrible feminist blogger is the opportunity to correspond with Women and Lesbians from all over the world (well, mostly the US, Canada, Australia and Europe, although I have regular readers in Saudi Arabia and India). I really do enjoy this, as it makes up for the regular deluge of death and rape threats I get from the peace-loving Trans folks and their cis allies. One of the most popular topics of these valued messages is how awful it is be a Lesbian trying to get a date in this Post Modern world.

I get it. Having met my three last girlfriends on Facebook (2)  and OK Cupid (1), I find the whole dating in the 21st Century experience inhumane.  How can you get to know someone by Facebook posts, or from an OK Cupid profile? Also, people lie and project – a fact that pretty much EVERYONE forgets when reading Facebook or looking for a date on OK Cupid (seriously, remember this – people lie, or may be using Facebook for purposes other than telling you all about themselves).

On OK Cupid – because it is explicitly cruisey – you need to be able to communicate WHO YOU ARE in a pithy way that will make you stand out from the rest. Here’s what I did (and this kept away the Queers, so HOORAY!)


In addition to the general awfulness of online dating, it has become a “gating issue,” apparently, that a Lesbian seeking to date not be “transphobic.”

This vow of  non-transphobia takes at least two forms. First, the Lesbian seeking to date must affirm that she accepts trans women as women, or respects their right to identify as women, or accepts their right to penetrate women-only space. Second, the Lesbian seeking to date must affirm that she, actually, would have sex with a transwoman. I have experienced this in real life, when an ex-friend (let’s call him Kaiden/Braden/Jayden) interrogated me for hours about my unwillingness to declare that I would sleep with a mutual transwoman friend with a penis (seriously, this was a conversation. I eventually told him that he was disgusting and we are no longer friends).

If you aren’t willing to declare that you will date Ladystick on OK Cupid, you have to be really super sensitive to the feelings of poor transwomen by writing ads like this:




What the…?

So, in response to Lesbian correspondents telling me about this thing that’s happening (which also makes sense in light of all the Cotton Ceiling discussions), I reactivated my OK Whatever Account to see exactly what they were talking about.

And yes! Page after page after page of Lesbians affirming that they accept transwomen as women and/or that they personally would date/have sex with a transwomen.

WHYYYYYYYY is this happening?  Why has it become important for Lesbians – Women who love Women, and want intimate emotional and sexual relationships with Women – to declare their love of Ladystick, or to declare that they accept transwomen are women? Why on earth do Lesbians feel the need to mention this AT ALL in the context of a dating website where they are looking for another Woman to have nice times with?

(Cotton Ceiling).

Seriously, how enticing is it to “get to know” someone over email and have the following discussion:

“So, um, I see you aren’t transphobic.”

“Yeah, even though I am talking to you, I would totally date a person with a penis.”

I don’t know about YOU, but I call a person who will date/have sex with a person with a penis either (1) heterosexual or (2) bisexual. I would not call them Lesbian. And that’s fine. It doesn’t mean a Lesbian wants to date her.

And that’s also fine. Lesbians should not be shamed in their choice of who to date. Ever.

We need more options, OK Stupid.  For those of us who want to avoid this stupidity of declaring our love of Ladystick, how’s about…

Because Lesbians exist.

That way, the Lesbians can date each other, unmolested by the relentless demands placed on us by transwomen and their cis allies, and transwomen and their cis allies can love each other (have fun)!

Lesbians dating in 2013 need to know that it is OK to not want to date someone with a Penis.

That is, it is OK to be a Lesbian without qualification or apology or caveat. A Lesbian is a Female Gay who wants to date Females. If someone tells you that you are “Transphobic” because you don’t want to date a transwoman, they are an asshole. And not only are they an asshole, they are perpetuating a culture where access to Women’s bodies is demanded/expected/negotiable (we call that Rape Culture).

Oh, and also, it is ok to reject trans ideology – you will still find Women to date.

Just not on OK Cupid.

12 responses to “Dating in the PoMo World

  1. Pingback: More Lesbian Dating Tips | Lesbian Dating Tips

  2. I have an OK Cupid profile and this is what I wrote in the topic spaces:

    Self Summary: …. i’m 100% born female and lesbian and only date the same. right now i’m looking for friends and short term dating. i’m very secure in myself and where i am in life. ….Men and transpersons, you don’t have a chance so don’t bother your poor little selves with contacting me. LESBIAN”

    I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About: …. Radical women’s liberation, as I don’t think we are done yet in advancing women’s rights, especially with the current War on Women. It’s important to keep our reproductive rights, even if we are lesbians, because it’s important for all women. I’m also committed to finding, developing and keeping lesbians spaces, locally and nationally because lesbian interests are not being served by the alphabet soup organizations.”

    So far, I haven’t heard directly from any trans*persons. However, in the matches, there are whole bunch of older trans*women listed. They are easy to spot. Plus, most are listed as bisexual. Of course, I list that I am only interested in “gay” because lesbian isn’t in their lexicon.

    I wrote a letter in May to OKCupid decrying the fact that they don’t have a Trans listing. Below is the exchange.

    I keep seeing as my matches obvious MTF trans*genders. I think that OKCupid needs a trans*gender category so people who wish to not see these people in their match searches or who have a trans*gender contact them they can be deleted from the matches. As a born female who connects only with other born females, I do not wish to be matched to trans*gender persons, especially those who identify as male to female trans*gender persons.

    him: Hey there. Thanks for your message. I totally agree. We absolutely want to add more gender and orientation options in the future, and it’s definitely something we’re working towards. Unfortunately, it involves a lot of reworking of the site, because we built it in a pretty binary way. I’ll be sure to pass along your comments to our developers.

    If I encounter any backlash for my profile, I’ll just delete it. I don’t really meet women on there anyway, at least anyone I’d be interested in dating. I learned a very long time ago that men will disguise themselves online to troll women (XX women). I don’t trust anyone online until I meet them in person or they are introduced to me by someone I’ve met in person.

  3. I don’t really see how it’s a problem that people acknowledge that transwomen exist, & work that into their explanation of preference, much less that it’s done in a way that isn’t rude. And does it really make sense to call a girl bisexual if she’ll have sex with someone who’s gone through the full transition, but no one else who is biologically male, or a transman? I don’t think it does.

    “I think that OKCupid needs a trans*gender category so people who wish to not see these people in their match searches or who have a trans*gender contact them they can be deleted from the matches.”

    This I actually agree with, it would help everyone in the long run.

    • Given that your name is “Zachary Bower,” I am not terribly interested in your opinions about lesbian sexuality.

      Women aren’t eunuchs.

  4. I think most everyone other than conservative asshole bigots would agree that it would be highly inappropriate for a straight woman to sexually pressure a gay man, to say he was being non-inclusive or bigoted because he preferred people with penises, and most likely natural, fully functional ones. Sex is generally something people do with their genitals. If sex is something a person wants to be part of their lives, they’d be better off sticking to the ones they came with and then looking for people with the kind of genitals they’re interested in, who are interested in the kind of genitals they have themselves. It is certainly unfortunate that all these folks can’t see it this way. I’m pleased when I hear people are moving away from SRS, that’s very good. But genitals matter, and it is nothing less than purely amazing that these kinds of discussions are even required.

  5. There is a great schism between “queers and lesbians nowadays. We have ended up not being able to say the word “lesbian” anymore without it being code for “transphobic”. And the pressure to not be a “bad person” is so great women left right and centre are giving in, at least ideologically. I wonder how the liberal ideology would stand up on a real life situation when a MtT tries to convince a lesbian to sleep with him. *horror*

  6. “Given that your name is “Zachary Bower,” I am not terribly interested in your opinions about lesbian sexuality.”

    Fair enough, as long as you can explain to me why we should bother to listen to your treatises on what it means to be (A) male & (B) transsexual, 2 things which you are not.

    • You are coming here to comment. This blog isn’t concerned with males or transsexuals in the first instance; it’s concerned with the ERASURE OF FEMALES and LESBIANS IN PARTICULAR by men.

      I have a PhD in that.